dontgobackwards

That was me.  Standing in the circle around the adulterous woman, that was me.  I may not have been holding stones, but I sure wasn’t bothered by the scene – after all, did she not get herself into this?  I think I’ll just watch and see how this thing plays out.   But then He wrote my name in the sand.  Just recently have I been able to make out the letters, but it’s my name alright.  Is there mercy for the Pharisee?  I sure hope so because my heart is starting to change to the tune of Lord, have mercy on me!  Have mercy on me for not having mercy.  Give me the grace, O Lord, to say to her… “neither do I,” “neither do I.”

Where am I?  Sometimes I forget to ask myself that question.  Sometimes I’m so busy thinking about where I’ve been or worrying about where I’m going or want to be that I just forget.  I forget where I am.  Where are you?  When I asked my 3 and almost 5 year old that question they both answered like the no-brainer it was, “I’m right here!”

I somehow managed to get on the performance treadmill again.  I kept running and running and increasing my speed until just a few days ago when it proved to be too much and sent me feet first behind me and face down onto the rubber (or whatever my metaphorical treadmill is actually made of).  I really can’t believe I did it again.  When will I ever learn that building a house of cards is a waste of time and energy as it will all come crashing down in the end no matter how much I work to prevent it from doing so.   I’ve been working to build my home.  I’ve been working on my marriage, my parenting, my keeping up with the housework, my keeping up with homeschooling and anything else that I hear or read about that would seem to be a benefit in building my home – I’ve been at it.  I don’t know if it’s my personality, my broken-home background or if it is common to everyone, but I have this sense that if I don’t get this thing right things could really go south.  So I’ve been running and building.  And I’ve been missing out.  I’ve been missing out on the grace of living.  I’ve been missing out on the where I am.  I’ve been missing out on the being right here.  So after my big fall, I just quit.  At the time I quit because I was mad.  But once I was stopped for awhile, I realized how good it felt.  I kinda like it “here.”  Now, instead of trying to drag my husband and children where I think we need to go, I’m starting to enjoy where I am, where we are. 

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.”  It really is freeing to know that He is not asking me to build my house.  He’s asking me NOT to so that He can.  So HERE I am.   I’m right here!  And you know the best part?  He is with me.  “And lo, I am with you always” – not “I will be with you always,” but “I am with you always.” He is here too!