Relaxed. Comfortable. At ease. How often am I this way? How would my family respond if I learned to “chill out?” I have always thought of myself as having to be the anchor, but anchors are heavy and the weight is weighing me down. I am so serious minded and driven to move forward that I often take the fun out of the moment. Being at ease and relaxed doesn’t mean I abandon the aim, it just means I have what I need for the moment and there is no need to fret.
I’m finding that my primary need for the moment(s) is comfort. Just to be comforted. Why do I not allow myself to be comforted? Don’t we all need it? I wonder if He longs to be the source of my comfort and yet I’m afraid. This is not the god I know. Not the one I grew up with. Not the one I imitate when I’m cold and exacting with my children. Can I allow myself the pleasure of being comforted by this God of all comfort? It seems too good to be true! What better way to increase my dependence on Him than to allow Him to comfort me. Is He not glorified in my being comforted? Why does life always have to be so hard? Because I don’t stop? Because I don’t allow myself the vulnerability of truly needing and truly taking from Him? Not taking from Him for my own purposes, but taking from Him life itself. Being found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from duty and obligation, but a righteousness that comes from Him and is by faith. I can think of nothing else that requires more faith in another than allowing them access enough to comfort in time of need.
I don’t want to be an anchor anymore. I just want to be a vessel. A vessel of the comfort of my Father – the God of all comfort. Thank you Lord, for poking holes in my understanding so that I can see more of You.